You are finally starting to get the hang of this whole motherhood thing and then bam! You don’t know exactly how to describe it except “touched out!” The thought of another person touching you makes you squirm, your skin is crawling and you just want to scream “leave me alone!”
First, What does being touched out mean?
Being touched out is essentially system overload, your body starts to have a hard time processing. This feeling of overwhelm occurs from constantly being needed in motherhood, especially early motherhood. This comes from the physical needs of our little ones as well as being their emotional support. Tack on the noise levels of babies and young children, a busy environment, and a depleted mama and you have a recipe for being touched out.
It is important to know that this is normal and that feelings are simply information. Being touched out is caused from overstimulation, our expectations and our own needs not being met. These feelings if not addressed can affect all aspects of your life including your breastfeeding journey and also your libido.
1. It is normal and it is just information
You are not alone in this feeling. It is normal, well very common anyway, and it does not mean anything about you or your ability to mother. We are often told in many ways that we lose our bodies to motherhood or that our bodies are no longer fully ours and that can lead to feelings of overwhelm, stress or anxiety.
First let me say neither are true! Your body is still 100% yours but we will get into more of that later.
Feeling touched out, much like any feeling or emotion, is simply just information. You are getting singles from your body that would benefit you to tune in to. Often your body is trying to tell you that you are either:
- A. Overstimulated
- B. Not meeting your own needs
- C. Have unrealistic expectations
- D. All of the above
So let’s dive in. See what we can identify as the cause or causes and where to go from there.
3. You can feel touched out when you are overstimulated.
Overstimulation is sensory overload to a point that makes it difficult to process the sensory input you are receiving. This can lead to feelings of irritability, anxiety, stress, a strong urge to disconnect and that feeling of being touched out.
It is really easy, especially in early motherhood, to get over stimulated. Imagine constant touch from feeding and holding your baby, hearing your baby cry throughout the day, internal pressures you are often putting yourself under and then tack on additional children, household noise, pets, partners, and of course visual stimulation of your devices.
Ah! Just typing it out makes me a little squirmy!
4. Your likely not meeting your own needs
We are often taught to self sacrifice in motherhood, a narrative I hope changes. When your own needs aren’t being met it can leave you feeling depleted. You are more prone to feelings of overwhelm and more easily overstimulated and more likely to feel touched out.
5. We feel like we need to be doing something else
As mothers, we often run a to do list or a “I should list” in our heads that is a mile long. This can affect us in a few ways. It sucks up our brain power, taking up valuable space and energy to think about. It can also lead to feelings of guilt for not getting everything done or shame about not being good or capable enough. This internal mental stimulation and running list can contribute to our overall overstimulation.
It also can rob us of enjoying the moments and being present. If you ever felt nap trapped then you know what I am talking about. Instead of potentially enjoying a moment holding and cuddling our babies we feel pressured to be doing something else (anything else really) and that can leave you feeling frustrated. As you feed into that and it happens on repeat, you train yourself to feel frustrated in those moments which can contribute to your aversion of being touched.
6. Feeling touched out can affect your intimacy
After a full day of providing physical and emotional support for your children it may seem impossible to even consider providing that support for one more person. Even if, sometimes especially if, that person is your partner and the love of your life. What normally would be a welcomed embrace now causes you to recoil.
This can affect your relationship in a few ways. Without open communication your partner may get the wrong idea. They may start to think you are no longer into them or that they have done something wrong to you which can lead them to being confused, frustrated and in return pull away. Also as you withdraw from affectionate interactions you can negatively impact your libido. And let’s be honest our libidos do not need any other hits after having a baby.
Cuddling can boost oxytocin which can give your libido a bump. When you aren’t getting that boost it can start to fizzle out more easily. If thoughts of cuddling make you cringe right now you may also be setting yourself up for negative associations. That can make it harder to reconnect physically with your partner.
7. Breastfeeding can contribute to feeling touched out.
Breastfeeding can contribute to physical overstimulation. This is especially true early on when your little one might be cluster feeding due to a growth spurt or trying to establish your supply. There are moments along the breastfeeding journey where it can feel like feeding your baby is the only thing you are doing. As previously discussed, this can cause frustration if you feel like you should be doing other things in those moments.
Your breastfeeding journey can also be affected if you are touched out often. The never ending physical demands may make you resent the act. This is when you will often get advice to stop breastfeeding. I do not think that needs to be the case. Of course in extreme situations that might be your best course of action but if you are at that level I do suggest speaking with someone first. Generally though there are a lot of actions you can try first. If you are feeling touched out while breastfeeding and if it is important for you to continue you can both feel better about the situation and continue with your breastfeeding journey.
Now, What Can You Do About Being Touched Out?
Ok so now we know why you might be feeling touched out and how it can affect you and your family, but what now? You are not doomed to feel touched out indefinitely. You will need to check in on yourself more and address the causes, decrease stimulation when possible, meet your own needs and reset expectations.
8. You need a break
Remember that this feeling of being touched out is just information. Your body is practically screaming out you to take a break. Make sure you listen. It may feel like you are on the clock in motherhood 24/7, and you are, but breaks are allowed and needed.
This can range from a few minutes a day while your baby plays with your partner or trusted caregiver, to letting yourself disconnect fully during a nap time that baby is able to go down for to a weekend away. This will all depend on the age of your children, your comfort level and how long and the extent that you are feeling touched out.
The key is letting yourself disconnect fully, decreasing stimulation and doing something just for you.
Taking a break can also be asking for help. You might not be able to step away fully but asking for help around the house or with your kids can decrease your burden of care and decrease your overwhelm. It is not easy to ask for help when we feel we need to do it all but with practice it gets easier.
9. Decrease external stimulation
Since sensory overload contributes to being touched out it is important to decrease as much external stimulation as possible. Music can be soothing and enjoyable but during moments where you are feeling overwhelmed and touched out it can contribute to the problem.
There are many things we can’t control when we are at home with little ones so control what you can. If it is daytime keep lights off and just allow natural light in. At night keep lights dim and use table lamps instead of overhead lighting when possible. Power down what you can, no music, tv or podcasts, at least for a bit. Toss in some noise canceling earbuds if you can’t step away. Change out of tight or uncomfortable clothing.
10. Ditch the phone/turn it off
Putting your phone away or better yet turning it off for an hour or so can help on a few levels. Part of being touched out is the physical senses being overloaded but it also can come from mental and emotional overwhelm. Feeling like you are constantly needed and constantly on call is a lot. Turning your phone off and having it put away can decrease some of that pressure.
You do not need to answer ever text or DM immediately, nor do you need to constantly be checking your email.
Having your phone away also decreases physical stimuli as well. You are taking a break from hearing the pings and constant notifications. Constant scrolling is also an example of visual stimulation overload, think about how many images you are taking in in such a short amount of time, your eyes and brain could probably use a break.
11. Make sure your needs are met to kick feeling touched out
It can feel overwhelming to be constantly caring for others and feeling like you need to meet everyone else’s needs. This can be especially frustrating when you feel like your own needs aren’t met. Also not meeting your own needs can leave you feeling depleted and exhausted.
When you aren’t meeting your own needs you will tend to be more irritable and it’s understandable. So start with the basics.
Eat Enough
Make sure you are eating when you are hungry have ready to go nourishing snacks handy. Easy to eat fruit, granola bars, crackers with pre- cut cheese or peanut butter are easy grab and go snacks. Do your best to plan for 3 meals a day. They do not need to be elaborate and it is fine and probably easier if you are making the same meals for you and your little ones. If you are breastfeeding you need on average 500 additional calories each day.
Drink Up
Stay hydrated. Keep water bottles handy throughout the house. Make it your new accessory. Add fruit, citrus or flavor drops if you are not a fan of plain water.
Not enough sleep – rest
Rest when you are able! Sleep can be hit or miss early on, I get it! If you are feeling more touched out than you would like you need to make this a priority. So go to bed early a few nights a week to sneak in an extra hour or two. If you simply can’t get more sleep make sure you are at least taking time to rest. This goes back to taking that break that you need.
12. Reset your expectations
It is said that suffering comes from unmet expectations or just the difference between expectations and reality. I have never found this to be more true than in motherhood. Expectations that our babies (and yes I mean 0-3 years here) should be more independent than reality will leave you feeling more frustrated. Expecting that you should be able to “do it all” and be a superhero will again leave you frustrated and feeling like you should be doing something else.
Reset your expectations to match your own individual reality. Also know what is true. Babies are needy, they need connection, you are one person, this is just a season, this is hard, and you can do hard things.
13. Use journaling to get rid of the mind clutter
If you are struggling with reframing or understanding what your expectations are journaling can help. Journaling can also help decrease the mind clutter. As we get overstimulated it becomes harder to focus on what is in front of us. Writing can free up your mental space. Decluttering the mind can help you refocus. If you need help starting a journaling practice grab my free prompts here.
14. Stop multitasking to stop feeling touched out
When we are multitasking we are not focusing on any one thing this contributes to sensory overload. If you are already having a hard time focusing due to feeling touched out and being in a state of overwhelm, multitasking will only heighten those feelings. Addressing our expectations can help decrease the thoughts that you need to be multitasking. You can write a list of things you feel you need to do in a day then circle one to three items and aim for just those. When you attempt to complete items on you list make sure you are doing them one at a time.
15. Communication is key- ask for what you want
As with most things to successful family life, communication is key. Let your partner know what is going on and how you are feeling. If intimacy has been taking a hit reassure your partner that it has nothing to do with them but also let them know what they can do to help. If you are getting overwhelmed and need a break let your partner know you need to tap out. Get in the habit of asking for what you need from your partner as well as friends and family. I think it is helpful to explain to your kids as well why you might have snapped or have been irritable, they deserve to know that it isn’t their fault and it may help get you a few moments to yourself.
16. Make time for touch that has nothing to do with caretaking
If you are in an active state of being touched out take a break and decrease stimulation. However if you have been feeling touched out often it is important to start to associate touch with pleasure again. You want to do this during times where you aren’t currently touched out. Try to incorporate touch that has nothing to do with caring for you children or your partner.
Booking a massage or a pedicure can be great for focusing on touch for you. If you don’t have the means whether time or money at the moment do it at home. This goes back to communicating with your partner and asking for what you need. Ask for a 10 minute massage or foot rub at the end of the day.
Other ways to incorporate touch that has nothing to do with caretaking is to ask for a hug or some cuddles from partner when you are less stimulated like first thing in the morning or before bed. Also incorporating a quick cuddle with your little one that isn’t associated with a feeding or a scraped knee but simply just because.
17. Deep pressure can help with feeling touched out
It might seem counterintuitive, but applying deep pressure can help decrease feelings of being touched out. Unlike incorporating touch that doesn’t have to do with caretaking with deep pressure you can perform while you are actively touched out or any other time you would like.
Deep pressure can be very calming to your nervous system, exactly what you need when over stimulated. Deep pressure decreases sympathetic nervous system responses and increases parasympathetic responses. This takes you out of fight/flight/freeze and into your rest and digest state. When practiced regularly deep pressure can decrease feelings of anxiety and increase feelings of happiness. Also when practiced regularly you will start to associated touch with these more calming and happy feelings and less and less with the feelings of overwhelm that lead you to feel touched out.
There are a few ways to use deep pressure. You can get a deep pressure massage, have your partner perform firm but gentle squeezes to your shoulders, arms, thighs for a minute or two at a time. You can also DIY with a massage ball or foam roller or rest under a weighted blanket.
18. Take a bath
This suggestion can often gather an eye roll from busy moms and I get it but it can also be really helpful. Submerging in water is a full body sensory experience as opposed to a pokey sensation from your little one trying to get your attention. A bath provides gentle full body pressure which can calm the nervous system.
Warm water baths can boost serotonin which helps regulate mood and sleep. So just as you might do a soothing bath time to help with babies sleep, treat yourself to the same benefits. Bonus if you address your other senses with a dim or candle lit room and a calming scent however you do not need to create a spa like experience for it to be beneficial. A few minutes can do the trick.
19. Keep your boundaries
Your personal boundaries and your ability to respect them can go a long way in preventing feeling touched out. Setting and holding boundaries can help with both the mental and physical overwhelm.
Setting boundaries of when you accomplish tasks will help you eliminate the feeling that you need to be doing something else. If you are back at work setting a boundary about if and when you are able to address work issues while home.
Setting physical boundaries and gently holding them can help with the frustrations of physical touch you are experiencing. This can look having your toddler sit next to you instead of on your lap while reading a book if you are close to your limits. It can also look like what you allow during wrestling or rougher play with your kids and how you know you are finished. You can even set boundaries around breastfeeding. My daughter tends to kick while feeding, I don’t enjoy that. When she was younger I would simply move her legs or gently hold them so she couldn’t kick me as she got older I would let her know that she can not kick while feeding and also move her feet.
Setting boundaries with your kids is also a great way to model body autonomy and how they too can set and hold boundaries. It’s a win-win.
20. Connect in non-touch ways when feeling touched out
When you are near or at your limits focus on connection in ways that do not include touch. This is true for your partner as well as your kids. This might be the time to watch a move with volume on low and lights dim while on opposite couches or just sitting next to each other. Coloring, crafts or board games with your kids at the table is a great way to allow for some space while still getting in some great connecting time.
With your partner schedule a date night with clear expectations that it will not be ending with some intimacy. If you are early postpartum and don’t feel ready for out of the house date nights schedule some at home, dessert after bedtime or attempts at getting through a full move can work just as good. You do want to make sure you are setting time for that good communication.
21. Shift your perspective and take back control over your body
Reframing can really help with expectations and your reactions. When you reframe you can give yourself your power back. Instead of giving into the narrative that you lose your body to motherhood reclaim your body as your own. Reframe with thoughts like “this is my body and I am choosing to XYZ with it” It can be to feed your baby with it, support your baby to sleep with it, carry your tired toddler around. Whatever you might be struggling with, turn it into an “I choose” rather than an “I have to.” These little shifts can start to make a big difference.
Also start to tune into what sensations are feeling good to you and focus on those. When it comes to regaining intimacy with your partner full permission to focus on yourself. Shift perspective from feeling like you need to be intimate with your partner for their sake and as a means of taking care of them or your relationship and shift to doing it for yourself and why you enjoy it.
So now what? When will you stop feeling touched out?
Awareness is always the first key step. It is important to identify when you start to feel touched out and then start implementing. Some tips will give you immediate results such as stepping away and decreasing external stimulation. While it is great to have tools to use while you are touched out ideally we want to avoid feeling touched out on a regular basis. To move from being in a constant state of overwhelm and touched out to the just occasional overwhelm will take some time. Be patient with yourself, it is a process.