Matrescence is the transition into motherhood and it’s a big one. While one minute you are pregnant and another you have a baby in your arms, the transition into motherhood doesn’t happen over night. It is a process one that involves physical, hormonal, psychological, emotional, societal and relational changes and adjustments. Arguably the most significant and rapid transition in a women’s life, yes even more so than puberty.
If you are not feeling like yourself after baby or feeling a bit lost (I know I was) it is simply because you are not like yourself. You are in the process of changing. This is normal and this is challenging.
Wondering if there is anything you can do to make this transition a little smoother? There is. Cultivating adaptability.
Adaptability is the ability to pivot, adjust, and evolve as needed to changes in environment, demands and priorities. It is what is needed to prevent you from getting stuck. It is essential to survival and if this is a strength of yours will allow you to not only survive but thrive. Adaptability will not only serve you well as you transition into your role as mother, but it will also serve you well throughout your entire motherhood journey.
Adaptability is a skill and just like any skill there are ways to strengthen it. So let’s get down to it. How can we harness the power of being adaptable? How can we learn to be more adaptable in motherhood?
Embrace the change or at the very least accept it.
To be adaptable in motherhood and life we need to accept the change(s) we encounter. We need to learn resilience. We can recover from hard times, difficult states of being and embrace what is currently tossed our way.
Some changes we plan for others are thrown at us. Honestly postpartum feels a bit like both at the same time. Either way as we face the change it is important to come to terms with it. Even if it is temporary and especially if it is permanent. Only after we accept the change can we make a plan on how to overcome it.
Respond but don’t react to be adaptable
This is a tough one for me personally but an important one I’m working on. Reaction is often more reflexive and responding is more deliberate, more intentional. If we learn to witness the initial reaction we can move beyond it and respond in ways that will suite us better.
It is important to stay calm and focused, assess the change you are facing and make a plan on moving forward. When you are in a calm, focused state you can also decide is this going to be a long term change OR are you going to actively work on changing things again. There is no wrong answer if it is thought out.
Reframing/ cognitive agility
Cognitive agility is the ability to shift our attention and thoughts and also to reframe as needed for a more desirable outcome or feeling. This requires the ability to zoom out to see the bigger picture and then focusing back in.
When you strengthen your cognitive agility you will be able to appreciate the complexity of the environment or the circumstance while at the same time narrowing in on tiny details and how you are feeling. With practice this can even improve your emotional intelligence. An example of cognitive agility is when you are feeling touched out. Having the ability to shift out to the bigger picture while also noticing how you are feeling can give you a better understanding of why you are feeling that way and what you can do to change it.
Stay flexible to be adaptable in motherhood
The ability to pivot often and quickly is important as we go through the many changes of motherhood. Unplanned or unexpected changes and feelings occur all the time, being flexible is the ability to adapt and change as things present themselves. We also need to be flexible when multitasking, shifting the order of priorities and re-establishing boundaries. In order to be flexible we need to be willing to solve problems creatively, notice when something isn’t working, learn from our mistakes as well as be willing to learn from others and asking for help when needed.
Acknowledge all the feels
This one is so important and can’t be glossed over. We can’t move past our feelings if we don’t know what those feelings are. Naming what you feel and then understanding why is step one to feeling better. Also as important is know that two things can be true and that goes for feelings as well.
We can be grateful and overwhelmed, sad AND excited. As I just told my son recently as he started preK we can miss someone while having fun and learning new things. We can be nervous AND also relieved. There is a lot of dichotomy at play, nothing is straight forward. Acknowledging your feelings, sitting with them, saying them out loud can be really healing. This can also take the pressure off of having to feel amazing and happy ALL THE TIME or making the RIGHT decision to lead to the perfect outcome or feeling. It just isn’t true and the more we sit with all our messy feelings the more we appreciate that.
Stay present/ be mindful
While it is ok to mourn the past and how things were, you don’t want to get stuck there. This is where we revisit embracing the change (again at least temporarily.) Focusing too much on the past can lead to symptoms like depression while worrying too much about the future can lead to feelings of anxiety. When dealing with change neither are helpful. When you are mindful you are better able to regulate your emotions and as we just stated you will likely be feeling many at once. Staying present and taking the day one step at a time helps avoid overwhelm while at the same time allowing for more joy in each moment.
To be adaptable in motherhood you need a growth mindset
A growth mindset is the belief that you are always evolving. In order to evolve one has to be adaptable. They go hand in hand. A growth mindset goes a step further though and gives you more control. It is the belief that you can and will develop any new skills that you put your mind to.
When you have a growth mindset you view the hard things as challenges that you can overcome as opposed to obstacles that will forever be in your way.
This is important in your transition to mother because there is a lot of “hard” in those early days. It is hard not getting enough sleep. It is hard adjusting to a new human. It is hard healing your body. It is hard dealing with postpartum mood disorders. It is hard re-identifying yourself. Having a baby can be hard on your relationship. The list goes on. Shifting from seeing these things as hard and “just mom life now” to challenges that you can overcome can be a game changer. Because here’s the thing mama, you can overcome them.
Adaptability in motherhood can make the transition smoother
Motherhood is a new role and has a whole lot of new skills involved. Those skills can be learned and developed. Being adaptable will help and is something you can learn to cultivate. As always seek support as needed, we are not meant to do this transition on our own.
There it is my big 7 that are needed to move through change with a bit more grace. While change may never be easy, if we learn to embrace it, acknowledge our feelings along the way, stay flexible, reframe as needed, stay responsive as opposed to reactive, stay present and embrace a growth mindset, we can move through that change smoothly. With these skills and by cultivating adaptability, I believe we can give ourselves the confidence and strength to get through anything and maybe even start to appreciate the beauty of each change.